Remembering Love
by ILETUDRIVE
Summary: What happens when the Lucky imposter is revealed to be a man named Carl? Elizabeth, Jason, Carl, Lucky: Complete


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters GH, et al., do they just don't use them very well.

Feedback: Would be marvelous it is how I learn.

****

Remembering Love

~ELQ Jet~

"I still can't believe you found me." Lucky shifted in his seat, leaning forward to look out at the night sky, it was strange to be able to do so without a guard, with a gun, at his back. "I can't believe anyone found me. After all of this time I had given up hope."

Jason stared out the other window into the inky darkness. "It wasn't easy, as it was it took me almost five months." Five months away from her, at a time when she needed him the most.

"I can't even begin to thank…"

"Don't, I'm just sorry it took so long." Jason interrupted turning to study Lucky. Over two years in captivity, had changed him. His eyes were wary, he was always braced, for anything, the only time he looked like the Lucky of old was when he talked about Elizabeth.

"So he fooled everyone but you?" Lucky asked shifting again, he was afraid to close his eyes, if he did he might wake up and discover the last week was only a dream.

"No he fooled me." Jason admitted, "I just thought you had changed in a very bad way."

"Still you knew enough to question things."

"I had too." Jason said finally, "Especially after what happened."

"To Elizabeth?"

"Yes." Jason turned back to the window.

****

~July 8, 2001~

__

Jason moved to the window and opened it trying to let some of the stifling air out, the air conditioner was broken and his room was an oven. He was thankful that he wouldn't have to be here much longer, he had been back in town for a little over a week and was almost ready to leave. He had been working with Sonny trying to clear him of charges with the FBI when he found out about Emily. He couldn't stay away then, Sorel had crossed the line one time to many, Sonny agreed that it was time to end it.

He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. Sonny had been in constant touch ever since…ever since Carly's betrayal. Jason knew why she had done it, but he also knew Sonny would never forgive her, he didn't even know if he could forgive her. He shook his head, Carly and Michael were safe, Sonny was away from that wacko woman Angel, who it turns out had escaped from Ferncliff, and with Alexis' help the problem with the Feds had disappeared. Now there was only one thing left, to get Sorel. He was moving Emily to a rehabilitation center in the morning, and then he was going after Sorel.

Jason moved to the desk, flipping absently through a travel book on Scotland, that was where he had been headed, before Sonny called. He had kept on the move since he had left in April, first finding Sorel's people then just to move. He had been back for 8 days and he hadn't seen her. He couldn't help but feel both relieved and disappointed that he hadn't. Emily had mentioned that she hadn't seen Elizabeth very much, not since she had become engaged and moved into the cottage with Nikolas, Gia, and Lucky.

Lucky, he couldn't help the small twist of anger that went through his gut when he thought about Lucky. He knew there was something off with him, but no one else seemed to notice, or if they did they lied to themselves about it. He shook his head. Elizabeth had made her choice, now both of them would have to live with it. He only wished it was as easy as it sounded. He was heading for the shower when the phone rang.

"Morgan." He said brusquely.

"Jason? Thank God. Please don't hang up."

"Elizabeth?" He could barely hear her. " Are you okay?"

"Can you help me?" She looked at the blood on her hands and her voice broke. "I think I killed him."

Jason pulled his gun out of the drawer and headed for the door. "Where are you?"

"S-studio." She scrubbed her hand on her pants. "The blood won't come off."

He ran for his bike, he could hear in her voice that she was breaking. "Are you hurt?"

"N-no. I killed him."

Jason started his bike, keeping his voice low and calm, hoping to calm her. "I'm on my way. Lock the door and don't look at Lucky."

"It's not Lucky."

The dial tone clicked in his ear and he paused in surprise, if it wasn't Lucky who was it?

****

~Jet~

"She's okay right?"

"Yes." Jason answered. "She's stronger than she thinks."

"I know, she never thought she was strong. But she's the strongest person I've ever met." The love he still had for her was evident in Lucky's voice.

"I know." But even the strong break sometimes.

****

~Studio~

__

Jason slipped inside the studio locking the door behind him. He saw the body on the floor immediately, he had a knife jutting out of his back. He looked for Elizabeth, and saw her sitting against the far wall staring at the body.

"He hasn't moved."

He crossed to the body from the open-eyed vacant stare he knew the man was gone. "He's dead." He crouched in front of her shielding her view. She had blood on her face, her clothes were torn, but it was her eyes that scared him the most. They looked dead. "Did he hurt you?"

"Yes." Elizabeth admitted her eyes locking on his briefly. "Carl hurt me bad."

"Carl?" Jason asked softly, "Do you mean Lucky?"

"Don't call him that." She snapped. "He's not Lucky, he told me so, his name is Carl." She shuddered, "He begged me to say his name before he died, but I couldn't."

He reached out to touch her face she flinched, and he immediately dropped his hand. "Elizabeth do you trust me?"

Her eyes blazed with life for a minute, locking with his. "You're the only one I trust."

This time when he reached out to her she didn't flinch. "I'm going to take care of you, and I'll take care of him." He rubbed some of the blood off of her cheek. "But I need for you to talk to me, can you do that?"

His touch was so gentle, just like it always was. It calmed her stomach, some of the fear and anger she was feeling dissipated with his touch. She felt safe, and she just wanted to curl up in a ball and forget everything that had happened this past year.

"Elizabeth."

His voice drew her back, it was a voice she couldn't ignore. "Yes." She whispered finally opening her eyes.

****

~Jet~

"She had to kill him, she had no choice."

"No she didn't." Jason agreed. If only she had called him when she first found out. He could have spared her the pain and guilt over taking another's life.

****

~Jakes~

__

Elizabeth rubbed the steam off the mirror and stared at herself in the mirror. She could barely recognize the woman looking back at her. The bruised face, the glassy hollow-eyed stare was familiar to her, she had seen it after the rape. The only difference was this time she had deserved it. She gripped the sink, she wanted to turn away from her image, to run away, to hide in Jason's arms, like she had before. But she couldn't, not anymore, she had lost that right.

She pulled on his shirt and caught a whiff of the owner. Tears pricked her eyes begging for release, but she wouldn't let them fall. She shook her head backing them off, this time she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't break, she wouldn't ask for help. This time she would be strong on her own. 

Elizabeth walked out of the bathroom, her hair was wet, her body lost in his t-shirt and shorts. She stood there twisting her hands, looking anywhere but at Jason.

"That's right Sonny." Jason watched her while he spoke to Sonny. "She said his name was Carl Phelps. We know Helena hired him to impersonate Lucky. I need you to start checking him out."

He paused watching her move to his bed she hesitated before crawling on top of it, and clutching his pillow to her chest. "I don't want to tip Helena, so we need a cover story to explain Lucky's absence."

"I broke up with him." Elizabeth said quietly, her head buried in his pillow.

"Hold on." Jason covered the phone, "What?"

She lifted her head, "I broke up with him, we could say he left town because of that right?"

"Yes." Jason went back to the phone, "She had broken up with him, that's a good excuse. I'll check back in later."

"I did you know." She said when he hung up.

"You did what?" He asked sitting on the bed.

"I broke up with him, 2 weeks ago, I moved out of the cottage, I've been living at the studio. Luc…Carl had been denying it, but I was gone."

"You ended it when you overheard him with Helena?" He gently took her arm to treat her cuts.

"No. I ended it before you came back to town." She wanted to be very clear on that point. "I didn't hear him with Helena until today."

"Why?" He dabbed some medicine on a large cut on her elbow but there was no reaction from her. She was still in shock.

"Why did I finally stop lying to myself?" She asked with a sad smile, "I was over a year too late don't you think?"

He looked into her eyes. He didn't like her mocking tone. "What happened?"

His touch was gentle but it made her feel uncomfortable, he shouldn't be nice to her. "I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't lie to myself, Luc…, and everyone else. I was so tired of lying." She pulled away so they weren't touching. "There was no one thing I can point too, no breaking point, I just woke up one morning and couldn't do it anymore. He came back in April of 2000, and I finally opened my eyes in June of 2001." She laughed bitterly. "Good thing I never claimed to be smart."

"Don't do that." His voice was unusually sharp.

"I'm only telling the truth, about time too." She argued, "Just like you always told me to do, I guess I finally heard you."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He wished he could see her eyes, he could always read them, but she wouldn't look at him.

He still cared for her. How was that possible? "Why? So I could hurt you again?" She leaned closer her voice dropping to a whisper. "I can't stand the fact that I hurt you, I haven't been able to look at myself in a mirror in so long." She focused on a spot over his left shoulder, "Now I never will."

"You didn't do anything wrong." His eyes were pleading with her to believe him.

"No Jason, I didn't do anything right, and I'm still not." She pushed past him and got to her feet. "Don't be nice to me I don't deserve it, I deserve your contempt." She looked to the floor as if searching for something.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving." She picked up her shoes, and sat in a chair to pull them on. "For once I'm doing what's best for you, I shouldn't have called you. I had no right."

He pulled the shoe out of her hand and threw it across the room. "You're not leaving."

"Jason."

He crouched in front of her and took her hands. "You didn't deserve this, Helena, Faison, Carl, **they **used Lucky to hurt you. **You** did nothing wrong."

Her eyes blazed and she yanked her hands away. "Bullshit. What about what I did to you?"

He was relieved to see her anger, even if it was misdirected. "I take care of me."

"No you don't, not when it comes to me." She snapped. "It's time for the truth. It won't change anything, not for me, but maybe it will convince you to let me go, like you should have a long time ago."

"Elizabeth…" He started in concern, she was beginning to shake again.

"No I'll tell you and you'll leave, just like you should have so long ago." She took his hand, "Promise me you'll protect yourself."

"I always do." He kept her hand, and I'll take care of you too.

She paused her hand tightening on his for the last time. Finally she took a breath and prepared to end their friendship. "Tonight I killed Carl, but it wasn't in self-defense. I stabbed him in the back deliberately, I murdered him."

****

~Jet~

"Carl was convincing, she had doubts, but she refused to confront him. She just wanted you back."

"Did he hurt her?" Lucky had to know. If Carl had, it would be his fault, Carl would have never even gotten near her if it weren't for him.

"Not physically, not until that last night." Jason tried to ease his friends mind. There were worse kinds of pain, then physical pain.

****

~Jakes~

__

"I said I murdered him." She repeated. Why hadn't he let her go?

"I heard."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"I once held a gun on Tom Baker, but I couldn't kill him. Carl I stabbed in the back without a second thought." She covered her mouth in horror, as the realization she had been holding off finally set in. "God it happened again." Then she shook her head in confusion, "No, I guess it can't be rape, I never said no."

His hands tightened on hers, "Yes it was rape, he was not the person you thought he was."

"But I feel like it was rape, in fact I feel worse, I let him touch me again and again, even after I knew something was wrong, even after I realized…" She stopped feeling sick to her stomach.

"Baby it's not your fault. You knew he had changed, but you still thought he was the man you loved." He wanted to take her pain away, he wanted to rip Carl apart with his bare hands, but all he could do was be there for her.

Her eyes were dry and her voice firm. "That's just it Jason, I didn't love him."

Her words caused him to stop in surprise. "What?"

She pulled away, it was easier than she thought to tell the truth, the truth she had been denying for so long, she brought her feet up on the chair and wrapped her arms around her knees. "When I first found out he was alive I was happy, everything I prayed for, everything I had hoped for had come true" She paused for a long time. "Then he came back and he was different."

Jason eased back to sit on the floor in front of her.

"My heart jumped when I saw him I felt so relieved and happy. Even when he pushed me away, I was happy that he was alive. But it was different the connection we had always had wasn't as strong as I thought it would be." She shook her head. "That's not true, it wasn't there anymore." 

She paused trying to find the words to explain her unease. "When he finally did touch me, I didn't feel the sweetness that I used too, the nervousness of first love, or even the love that we had before the fire." She looked at Jason. " I also didn't feel the longing that I had felt the last couple of times you touched me, before you left in January."

That surprised him but he kept quiet.

"The first time you came back, I felt you before I ever saw you. I was walking up the stairs, and your face popped in my head that had happened a lot since you left, but this time it was so vivid, and then I heard your voice. I turned around and you took my breath." She focused on him, she had to know the truth. "I need you to answer a question for me."

"Okay."

"Last summer when you came back, had Lucky not been here and you stayed, would you have wanted something more than friendship from me?"

Jason sucked in a breath. "Yes."

Pain and loss washed over her and she closed her eyes in light of his simple admission. "I remember I ran to you, and you picked me up in a hug. A feeling more intense then I had ever felt before crashed into me and I knew."

"Knew what?" He asked leaning closer.

"That I was in love with you."

****

~Jet~

"I still love her. I had given up hope of ever seeing her again, but I still love her."

Jason kept his eyes averted and said nothing.

"I know that she was with Carl, but she only was because she thought it was me. I know how hurt she must feel, how violated. But I don't think of her that way." Lucky paused, "I just think of her as the girl I love. Do you think she could love me again?"

****

~Jakes~

__

Jason fell back in surprise. "What?"

"I said I'm in love with you, but that doesn't matter now." She saw the amazement in his face and felt the loss again. "By the time I admitted it to myself, we found out about the brainwashing, and then you were gone. I didn't know what to do, or how you felt, Lucky needed me so I stuck with him, to help him. I would have anyway I still believed he was Lucky, and I loved him, I just wasn't in love with that boy anymore." She paused the irony of the situation not lost on her, "Some of what he had been programmed, no paid to say was true. We weren't the same people anymore. Him because he was never Lucky and me because I had grown up, and changed without him. But I still cared, I still had to help him, and with you gone, it was easier to pretend that I was still in love with him."

She got up from the chair and moved to the window. "After the counseling, when everything should have been back to normal, I still felt the same way about him." She admitted softly. "I thought it was me, that it was my problem because of the rape, and that's why I was feeling uncomfortable around him. I was Lucky's lifeline so I couldn't leave. But when he touched me, I didn't feel love anymore." She sighed, "It felt wrong. But how could that be, when he was Lucky? So I taught myself not to question the feelings. Not to dream for more, not to wish, I even quit painting, and somehow I taught myself not to refuse when he wanted sex."

She pressed her head against the window. "I should have known then. Making love was sacred to Lucky, he wanted to wait for marriage." She sucked in a breath, "But Carl wanted sex, he liked to show off his body, to talk about it all the time. But it was just sex." Her voice turned mocking again, "It would never have been that way with Lucky. But I didn't question him." She shook her head. "Maybe Carl's right about me."

"What do you mean?" Jason asked moving up behind her.

"He told me the only time he enjoyed fucking me, were these last few months when I resisted. He said I had a rape fetish, that I needed force to enjoy it." Her eyes met his in the window's reflection, they were begging him for reassurance.

The anger burned inside of him, but he turned her around gently. "You know that's not true."

She hoped not. "Isn't it?" She argued. "I fought Tom Baker, before submitting. I was content to wait for Lucky. I stalled with Carl, for as long as I could, before finally submitting." She bit her bottom lip, her eyes desperate as she tried to make a point. "I never enjoyed it, I never wanted it, I even felt dirty when he was done. The last few months, since you came back in February, I even tried to avoid him, but when I couldn't or when he insisted, I just submitted. After you left and I got engaged to him, it got worse but I didn't leave him, so I must have wanted it."

"No." Jason pulled her into an embrace. "You didn't deserve any of this. It wasn't right, because he wasn't right. It was not your fault."

She tried to free herself from his hold. "God I want to die."

****

~Jet~

"She stayed with Carl, even when she had doubts, because she loved you Lucky." Jason hated to say the words, but they were true.

Lucky studied Jason's profile, they had been through a lot in the last week. Jason was about the last person he had thought would rescue him, they had been friends but not so close that it warranted Jason risking his life for him. So when he snuck into the retreat where he had been held, he couldn't have been more surprised.

Jason had filled him in on what he hadn't already known, mainly that Elizabeth knew the truth and had killed Carl. Helena had taken great pleasure in keeping him informed on how Carl had infiltrated his life and no one knew. 

He also knew through Faison about Elizabeth's close friendship with Jason before Carl had arrived. He had been relieved, he knew Jason was a good man, that he would never hurt her, if he could help it. Faison had shown him tapes of her, and he could see her healing because of her friendship with Jason, for that he would always be grateful for him.

But he also knew that there was more going on, Jason had looked haunted at times, and he was afraid he knew why. "How do you feel about that?"

****

~Jakes~

__

"Don't say that, don't ever wish to die." Jason ordered shaking her.

"How can you stand to touch me after everything I've done. I can't even stand to be inside my skin."

"I love you." Jason admitted.

She sucked in a breath and her eyes filled, his words providing the catalyst, and she finally broke down, he caught her in his arms, to hold her while she wept. Her body was shaking uncontrollably and he carried her to the bed. There was nothing he could say to ease her pain, nothing he could do but hold her. She was dealing with the fact that she had killed somebody, that someone she thought she had loved had only been using her. Violating both her mind and her body, anger coursed through him, but his touch remained gentle brushing a hand over her back to soothe.

"When I heard him today with Helena, I felt so sick." Her voice was hoarse from the tears. She forced herself to continue. "I ran to the studio, I knew you were back and I wanted to call you. But I didn't know how, I had hurt you so many times, how could I ask you for help?"

"I told you once." Jason said softly, "That there was no word for what you are to me. You need to believe me when I say, that there is nothing you could do that would ever make me turn my back on you."

Relief coursed through her, and she tightened her hold on his waist. "When he showed up, I tried to act like I didn't know anything, but he saw through me. He took pleasure in telling me things, he said he was glad he didn't have to pretend to love me anymore." 

She shivered and Jason tightened his hold on her. "Helena had given him permission, to kill me. He was to make it look like an accident, or a suicide. But he said he was going to make it look like you killed me. He was angry because he knew I wanted you and had never wanted him."

The room was dim, the only light coming from the open bathroom door, but at that moment, he knew the only thing she was seeing was her studio. "He was looking forward to the next part of the plan, where he was to break up Gia and Nikolas by sleeping with her. He said he couldn't wait to have a real woman."

Jason had thought he couldn't get any angrier, but he could. "You know that's not true."

"I know when you touched me I felt like a woman, and that scared me so I always ran away from you." It was easy to be honest when she didn't have to look at him. "Now I don't want anyone to touch me."

"Are you afraid of me?"

She sat up to look into his eyes, she saw the concern and love in them, she brought a hand up to touch his cheek. "Not afraid that you will hurt me, afraid that I will hurt you again. I don't think I can live with myself if I do."

He took her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed her palm. "I tried to tell you once, but you couldn't hear me, so I'll tell you now, don't you know what you mean to me?"

"Jason." Her eyes filled, and she put a finger over his lips to quiet him. "I can't hear that now, maybe someday, but not now. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm feeling, the only thing I know is that I trust you."

Jason smiled at her. "Trust is a good place to start."

She shook her head sadly. "No it's where we will end."

"What do you mean?"

"Lucky's still alive." She said in explanation.

He tightened his hold on her.

"Carl told me that Helena has him on an island somewhere." She pulled away from him, "I need to find him."

"I know." He had prepared himself for those words, but they still hurt. "I'll find him and bring him back to you."

She moved to the edge of the bed. "No I won't wreck your life again."

"You don't wreck my life." He caught her hand and kissed it softly, "You complete it. I told you I love you."

She closed her eyes afraid to let herself feel. "I don't even love myself. You can't love me."

"I do."

"Jason I'm so dirty, I can't even begin to ask for your forgiveness or Lucky's." She pulled away from him, "I know that I loved Lucky and I didn't notice an imposter, I loved you and I hurt you every chance I got. I don't know how to love."

Loved he didn't like the past tense.

****

~Jet~

"Why should what I want matter?"

"Jason you were the one who found me. You found me for Elizabeth."

"I came because Luke was being watched by Helena, and no one would think to watch me. The last thing Helena would ever expect was for me to look for you." Jason explained wearily.

"That's because she knew that you're in love with Elizabeth. You love her, so why would you bring her first love home?" Lucky asked.

****

~Jakes~

__

"Thanks Sonny, I'll be in touch. You need to keep her safe and get her counseling." He glanced at he closed bathroom door before continuing. "You need to find someone who can help her with the guilt, but won't turn her in. You're also going to need to run interference for her with Luke and everyone else, once they realize that the guy they know as Lucky is gone." He paused. "I have to leave, she needs to see him, and she has too, to heal. I promised her I would bring him home."

She walked out when he hung up the phone. "Sonny found out that Carl Phelps has a sister named Jill Farren and a mother named Ang Elmi they live in Podunkville, Idaho, so that's where I'm going."

She stood in front of him, "Why?"

"Because you need to see him." And because he had to give her a choice.

"I need you." Her words were a whisper but he heard them and his heart soared.

"You're not losing me, I'm just going away for awhile." He said with a smile.

Her answering smile was brief, but it was real. "So I'll see you later?"

"I promise." He whispered before kissing her forehead in farewell. "Johnny's outside, you can trust him, also Sonny will be here for you every step of the way. You are not alone Elizabeth, you will never be alone again."

She shook her head. "No promises."

"None but that one." Jason argued.

She felt like she was losing the only bright spot in her world, that when he walked out the door the darkness would claim her and she would never find her way out of it. "You won't do anything stupid like dying will you?"

Jason smirked. "No." As if sensing her nerves he went on. "I know you don't believe me, but you can do this, you are so much stronger than you think you are."

She studied him for a long time, "Will you keep in touch?"

"Yes." He said moving away.

He paused in the doorway a moment, before turning back to her. He pulled her into his arms, searching her eyes, he drew her closer slowly, giving her time to resist. "I love you Elizabeth." He whispered against her mouth before kissing her. He kept the pressure light, he didn't want to scare her, her lips were softer than he imagined. Her mouth trembled under his caress, and he increased the pressure. Her mouth opened with a sigh and he slowly slid his tongue past her lips into the sweet haven of her mouth. As he tasted her for the first time, he kept his passion in check, and just sampled her sweetness. She needed this as much as he did. Her tongue tentatively entered his mouth and he groaned softly, breaking the kiss, while he still could.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." Her eyes locked on his, he could see the surprise and what he hoped was love in them. "That felt right, it felt pure."

"That's because it was a kiss between two people who love each other." He stepped back; hoping she would say she loved him, but she didn't. "Remember that." 

****

~Jet~

"Answer me Jason, you're in love with her aren't you?" Lucky asked.

Jason sighed and looked at his friend who had been through almost as much as Elizabeth. "Fasten your seatbelt we're landing."

****

~August 03, 2001~

__

"Hello."

"Elizabeth."

"Jason." A real smile spread across her face and she sat on the bed, "I was hoping it was you."

Jason leaned back against the passenger seat of the train he was on, it was so good to hear her voice again. "Did I wake you?"

"No." She didn't sleep much, she looked around his room at Jakes, it was still the only place she felt safe.

"It's almost 2:00 a.m. there, were you painting?"

"No, just thinking." She hadn't painted in months. No one knew that she had killed somebody, except for Sonny's people and Dr. Cummings, so she hadn't been punished. That didn't feel right to her, so she had quit painting as a punishment.

Jason sighed. "You need to stop blaming yourself." Even though he was far away he knew when she was lying.

"I'm trying it's just hard." She curled into the pillow that no longer smelled like him, and dressed in his t-shirt, with the room was dark, she finally let herself relax. "Where are you?" At least once a week sometimes more he called her, he never told her about the search, but just talked to her. She had grown to depend on those calls.

"Istanbul, riding a train with chickens."

She laughed.

His smile grew and he joined her it was the first time he had heard her laugh in months. "Trust me you wouldn't like the smell."

"I'll remember that."

"Remember that I love you."

****

~September 14, 2001~

__

"You know sooner or later you're going to have to go to the studio." Jason walked to the balcony and looking at the sea below him.

"I know. Dr. Cummings says it will help give me closure." Elizabeth shifted the sketchpad off of her lap, "It's just hard to imagine walking in that room and not remembering the last time I was in there."

"Remember me and all the good times we had in that studio. Remember how you basically ordered me to live. Remember our laughter. Remember our Christmas tree, which I still say should have remained in the woods. Remember the light as you painted. Remember how I teased you when you sang to yourself. Remember the good, there is so much more of that, than bad."

She was crying while she listened to him, he was right there was so much more good in that place than evil. "Jason."

He cut her off. "Remember that I love you."

****

~October 29, 2001~

__

"So Sonny seemed to like the portrait I did of him and Alexis. Her face got red and she started to talk real fast, so I think she liked it too."

Jason smiled and lifted the weight in one hand, trying to work out a kink he had in his shoulder from a minor disagreement he'd had the night before. "Did she need a paper bag?"

"No." Elizabeth paused, "But Sonny had one for her just in case."

"How are you sleeping?"

"Better, the nightmares aren't as frequent." She admitted quietly, the truth was the nights she slept the best were the nights he called her.

"Good." He hated being gone from her for so long. She had given Dr. Cummings permission to talk to him, about her therapy. Even though he didn't ask any detailed questions, Dr. Cummings had told him, that it was better for him to be away. That she needed to grow strong on her own. 

He just needed her to be happy, even if it was without him. Each time he called her voice was lighter. Each time he called, he waited for her to tell him that she loved him, but she never did. He always ended the call the same way. 

"Remember that I love you."

****

~November 24, 2001~

__

"Elizabeth are you okay?"

"Luke knows." She said shakily.

Jason groaned and pinched his nose in frustration. "How?"

"I told him." She hadn't wanted too, but he had confronted her and she just couldn't lie to him anymore.

"Are you okay?" He would worry about Luke later, right now he needed to help her.

"He doesn't blame me." She sounded surprised.

"Of course not you did nothing wrong."

"You tell me that, Sonny tells me that, Dr. Cummings even tells me that." Elizabeth moved to stare at the snow falling outside the window. "I needed Luke to tell me that. He's the closest thing to Lucky's forgiveness that I have."

Jason was quiet, he was getting closer to finding Lucky, in fact it could be over in a few weeks, and he wasn't sure that when he did find Lucky that he wouldn't lose her at the same time. Their conversations over these months had only deepened his love for her, he could only hope that when it came time she would feel the same.

"You know Lucky the real Lucky, he won't blame you." Jason said finally.

"I know, but I still need to hear him say that to me." She admitted softly. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I have to go now."

"Jason." But it was too late he was gone. She hung up the phone slowly, it was the first time he hadn't said he loved her. She missed the words, God she missed the words. Had she finally driven him away? She dropped to her knees in front of the bed. She was getting better she knew she was. She knew she was strong. But she also knew that she needed Jason, not to live, but she needed him to be happy. Was she strong enough to risk everything again? Would he want her if she did?

The phone rang and she picked it up with a sigh. "Hello."

"I forgot to tell you that I loved you."

****

~Airport~

Jason and Lucky entered the airport at the same time. Jason's eyes locked onto hers, the same time he felt Lucky stiffen beside him. He held his breath and waited while she crossed to them. Her eyes darted from his face to Lucky's, and back again. Tears cascaded down her face, her smile was from the heart. She ran the last few feet, opening her arms to jump.

Jason caught her easily. "I love you." She held onto him. "I remembered that I love you."

Relief slammed into him, for the first time in his life he was complete. His arms tightened around her. "God I love you too."

She closed her eyes in relief, and rested her head on his chest, turning her head to look at Lucky. "Welcome home Lucky, I missed you." She said anxiously. She knew she had to talk to him, and that she had probably just hurt him badly. But when she'd finally seen Jason again after all of this time, she couldn't help the way she felt. She bit her lip and waited for this man, her first love, and hopefully still her friend to speak.

Lucky smiled, his heart breaking, until he saw the happiness in her eyes. "I missed you too. Now, did you bring me any ribs?"


End file.
